


where i stand (is where i fall).

by astridblues



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, BAMF Spencer Reid, Gen, Gunshot Wounds, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Reid is a self sacrificial dumbass, Spencer Reid Angst, Spencer Reid Whump, an attempt at, and no one can change my mind, but it kinda turned into
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:42:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28640937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astridblues/pseuds/astridblues
Summary: Reid hadn’t planned on dying in the forest on his day off.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Derek Morgan & Spencer Reid
Comments: 13
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> takes place in s10 (but it doesn't really matter) with the elite team (yk the one)
> 
> yeah so i tried writing h/c (& some humor) and somewhere along the lines i just got really depressed
> 
> warnings: description of a gunshot wound & blood

Reid hadn’t planned on dying in the forest on his day off. 

Reid found his situation concerningly funny, and if he could breathe, he would’ve laughed. Out of all of his bad luck and near-death encounters on cases with the BAU, it was his day off, the day he was meant to have spent _relaxing_ , that would be his end. Reid had knowingly, and somewhat intentionally, gotten himself into this mess earlier that day, so he had no one else to blame but himself for the fact that he was splayed on his back five feet from a corpse, dying from a gunshot wound on a beautiful autumn evening. 

Exhaling slowly, Reid tried to lower his racing heart rate. His gun lay in his right hand, and his left lay over the wound. He could feel his heart pulse from the wound and he elicited a small gasp as he pressed down, trying to slow the blood loss. Blood soaked through his sweater and coated his hand, slick and still warm. 

He slowly and painfully brought his right hand to the inside pocket of his jacket, fumbling around trying to find his phone. He slowly and painfully brought his right hand to the inside pocket of his jacket, fumbling around trying to find his phone. Right. He forgot. No phone, and even if he had it, definitely no signal. With a sigh, Reid dropped his hand and resumed pressure on his wound.

Terror gripped Reid as he realized for the first time in a while he was truly alone, with no one to help and no one around that could help. He had gotten a glimpse of what awaited him after death eight years ago, and it threw his whole world off-kilter. He wasn’t prepared to experience that again, and he certainly wasn’t ready to die. He still had coffee shops to try out, papers to publish, degrees to earn, books to read, people to meet, words to be said. Goodbyes to be said. _I love you_ s to be said. 

A sob escaped his throat as he thought of everything he still wanted to do. He wanted to see the team again. He wanted to debate Hotch about psychological conditions and look over Rossi’s manuscripts with him. He wanted to go to foreign film festivals with Emily and watch the Tenth Doctor’s regeneration with Garcia. He wanted to win his prank war with Morgan, and spend more time with JJ and her family. He wanted to teach Henry at least _one_ magic trick before he was gone. He just wanted more _time_. After everything he had gone through in his life, all the pain and all the suffering, was that really too much to ask?

That scared Reid to the core, more than anything had before because he desperately didn’t want to die but there was nothing he could do about it. He had never felt more helpless than he did right now. All the words and statistics in the world couldn’t help, and there was nothing he could do but wait and hope. The latter one was significantly harder to do as he heard his wheezes grow, out of fear or pain, he couldn’t tell. Maybe both. He could feel every breath shortening as his collapsed right lung failed to expand. Reid coughed, and when a metallic taste filled his mouth, he knew it was blood. 

Just as he was about to lose all hope, he heard it. A call. 

“Mr. Reid!” A voice called out. “Mr. Reid!”

It was faint, and the first time Reid heard the voice, he thought his genetics had finally caught up with him and he was hallucinating. But then the voice called again and again and wouldn’t stop bothering him. Reid wanted to call out and correct the voice that it was actually _Doctor_ Reid, or Supervisory Special Agent Doctor Spencer Reid, but not _Mr_. Reid. Who would call him Mr. Reid? 

Then it clicked in Reid’s mind as the voice called his name again. The voice of someone no older than a teenager. Could it be? No, no way. Reid had told the boy to run and call Agent Aaron Hotchner at the BAU because there was an emergency. He specifically told the boy _not_ to follow him into the forest. 

Forcing his eyes to open, _wait, when did he close them?_ Reid turned his head side to try and call back. Instead of calling out and correcting the boy, he wheezed, a wet gurgle emerging and the blood in his mouth spilling on the forest floor. He coughed again, resulting in a spray of blood landing on the ground and a sharp pain in his head. Black spots dotted his vision as the lack of oxygen began making him light-headed. 

Desperation really set in as the voices calling his name began to fade. _“No!”_ He wanted to scream, _“I’m here! I’m here!”_

Responding was now clearly off the table now, and Reid had no way to get the boy’s attention so he did the only thing his mind could think of: get up. Propping himself up on his elbows, Reid turned to the side and began to slowly drag himself from behind the trees and onto the trail. His head pounded and he couldn’t see straight, the trees multiplying and swimming every which way. He hoped that he wasn’t about to run into a tree. His chest throbbed, the pain from trying to run while recovering from anthrax six years back was nothing compared to the pain he felt now.

Reid looked forward to where the trees lowered to the trail. Twelve inches had never looked so far in his life. It was all or nothing. What did he have to lose, anyway? He was probably going to die either way. With a groan, Reid threw himself over the edge and into the path. He tumbled down, hitting the ground with a thump and landing on his back. 

Reid was pretty sure he passed out from the pain, but when he awoke, he couldn’t help but grin manically at his success. Sure, there was still quite a bit to go before he was out of the woods, literally and metaphorically, but Reid couldn’t get the thought that _he did it, he did it, he did it, he did it, he did it_. If he died, at least he knew that he had saved the boy and had done everything in his power to save himself.

Sweat ran down his back and his hair was plastered to the back of his neck and covering his forehead. His ears were ringing and he could see his breath come out in little white puffs in the cool autumn air. It was a strange sensation, heat and pain emanating from his ribcage all over his body, yet his fingers and toes were slowly going numb from the cold and lack of sunlight.

Reid stared at the night sky, the night sky outlining the deciduous trees that towered over him. It was the first Saturday in October and exactly 22 days, 3 hours, and 17 minutes until his birthday. The leaves had turned colors early, and if it wasn’t dark out, Reid was sure he’d be surrounded by an array of reds, oranges, yellows, and greens. It was a beautiful night, the lingering remains of the sun revealed clouds shrouding the sky in bits and pieces. For as much as he hated the dark when he was younger, he had grown fond of the nighttime. The air of mystery and suspense the night brought couldn’t be matched with the day’s sunshine. 

“Pity. No stars. I hoped there’d be stars,” Reid thought. He would’ve liked to see the stars one last time, but the night was reluctant to reveal herself. It was a good day to die, Reid decided. Not a perfect day, but a good day. 

A light rain began as Reid closed his eyes, and he felt at peace. He felt a tear trickle down the side of his face, blending with the raindrops. It was as if the sky had opened up to cry with him. With a sigh, Reid finally let himself close his eyes and rest.

He never saw the boy, nor did he hear the group of dogs leading the police and paramedics arrive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i know nothing about hospitals & ers, i did a little research but i am not a medical professional, take everything medical related with a grain of salt. 
> 
> i originally planned for this to be a two parter, but it’s become way longer so i’m putting in more chapters instead of shoving it in all at once
> 
> italics = flashback

By the time the car door had closed with a resounding _thud_ , Hotch was already running into the hospital. Glancing around wildly, he followed the signs with a hurried walk, glaring at anyone who looked at him funny. A lot of people looked away, but Hotch didn’t notice since all he could focus on was _getting to the ER._

“Spencer Reid. Has there recently been a Spencer Reid or a John Doe admitted?” Hotch breathed out, leaning against the edge of the information desk in the ER. A lady looked up, a bit bewildered.

“E-excuse me?”

“Spencer. Reid. Has there been a Spencer Reid or a mid-30s John Doe admitted within the past two hours with a gunshot wound?” Hotch repeated, getting a bit impatient. “I’m his medical proxy,” he added.

“I- Give me a moment, sir,” the keys on the keyboard began clicking, but when he saw her eyebrows begin to furrow, Hotch knew it couldn’t be good. Just as dread began to set in, a flurry of movement and voices started behind him.

“Mid 20s to 30s John Doe, last name Reid and unknown past history. Status, GSW to the chest, severe blood loss, and tachycardic. A right collapsed lung was treated on site. The bullet may still be inside of him.”

“Reid!” Hotch turned when he heard the mention of his colleague’s name. 

“Get him set up at trauma II with an ultrasound and an O-neg transfusion,” one doctor instructed the nurses, pointing to the trauma bay. “Prepare an OR!”

“Reid!” Hotch pushed through the crowd of doctors and nurses surrounding the gurney and grabbed onto the side, getting a good look at the doctor for the first time since hearing about the news. 

“Sir, do you know this man?”

“Yes, I’m his boss and I have power of attorney.”

“Okay, sir I’m going to need you to-”

“Code blue!” Someone called out, and Hotch was quickly pushed aside by more doctors and nurses.

“Reid!!” Hotch tried to reach him but three nurses stopped him, pushing him back towards the waiting area. No, no no no he couldn’t lose Reid again. Not on his watch.

“Sir, you need to step away so we can help him alright? You need to let the doctors do their jobs, it’s what they’re best at.” A nurse said with a kind yet firm tone, gently moving Hotch out of the way. 

Hotch finally acquiesced and moved to the waiting area, sinking into one of the chairs. He put his head in his hands as he could do nothing but hope that the group of medical professionals could save the BAU’s youngest. 

Hotch wasn’t sure how much time had passed when one of the doctors emerged. “Sir, what did you say your name was?”

He looked up, a bit surprised that the doctor was talking to him. “Agen- Aaron Hotchner.”

“Okay, Mr. Hotchner. You’re Mr. Reid’s medical proxy, correct?” When the doctor saw Hotch nod, she continued. “I’m going to need Mr. Reid’s medical history, any allergies or medications he’s currently on?”

“How is he?”

“The bullet hit Mr. Reid’s lung and caused a traumatic pneumoth-”

“Is he going to live?”

The doctor looked Hotch in the eyes, open and honest. “We don’t know yet, we’re doing everything we can to save your friend.” As if never interrupted, the doctor continued. “The traumatic pneumothorax was treated on sight, but the bullet that shot Mr. Reid was a hollow point, meaning-”

“It shattered on impact with his body.”

“Yes, that is correct. We’ve taken him to the OR so we can remove all the pieces.” Hotch’s face remained impassive the entire time, but a small nod encouraged the doctor to repeat her original question. “Can you give us his medical history and tell us if he has any allergies or is on any medications?” 

Hotch blinked a couple of times, trying to shake the cloud of negative thoughts out of the way so he could answer the doctor’s questions. Focus. Medical history, allergies, medications. He knew that. “He’s allergic to carbenicillin and doesn’t take morphine or any kinds of opioids. He’s been prescribed fluoxetine and beta-blockers but I don’t know how often he takes them, if at all. His alveoli were permanently damaged six years ago.” 

The doctor nodded, taking notes on what he was saying. “Thank you, that is extremely helpful. Is there anyone else Mr. Reid would want to call?”

“Doctor.”

“Hm?” 

“It’s doctor. Doctor Reid.” Hotch said it, a little in disbelief. How did he forget that?

“Of course. Thank you.” The doctor smiled, before turning and walking away, leaving Hotch to his thoughts.

_Is there anyone else Mr. Reid would want to call?_ No. Wrong question. Who would Reid _not_ call to avoid worrying? Hotch could figure that one out. That was profiling. Hotch could profile. He grabbed his phone and called one of the last people Reid would call. 

***

_“Mr. Reid! Mr. Reid, can you hear me?”_

_Nothing._

_One of the paramedics immediately began searching for the source of the blood, and when located, putting pressure on the wound. The other began assessing the doctor._

_“Uneven breathing, shallow. Signs of tachycardia. Pneumothorax - we need to neutralize the air pressure.” The paramedic cut off Reid’s tie and ripped his shirt away. Taking a needle and feeling two ribs down, the paramedic calmly inserted the needle into Reid’s skin. A hiss of air was heard and Reid’s chest began to visibly rise and fall again._

_“Get him out of here. We’ll handle the body and the scene.” The police began processing the scene, taking photos and writing down notes while the paramedics wasted no time with moving Reid._

***

“Are you serious? Motherfu- okay, okay, okay.” Morgan ran his hand over his face in exasperation. He tucked his phone under his ear as he gathered his things together, picking up his towel to wipe his sweat from his face. “How is he? What happened? Where are you right now?” Grabbing his gym bag from the locker while simultaneously pulling on a jacket and talking to Hotch, Morgan hurried to his car, haphazardly throwing his things in the backseat. 

Hotch told Morgan the name of the hospital. “I don’t know much, I just saw him rushed off into surgery, he’s been shot.”

“F- son of a bitch! Did they find who shot him?” Morgan started his car, backing out quickly. Luckily there weren’t many people around, especially at that time of day. “Wait - how did you even know where he was?”

***

_Just as Hotch quietly closed the door to Jack’s room, his phone rang. Reid. Why was Reid calling him on their day off? “Hotch.”_

_“I-is this… Agent Ar-run Hotcher at the BAU?” A young boy stuttered. Hotch froze at the voice of a child, a child that sounded not unlike his own son. He could hear voices and sirens in the background. What happened to Reid? Who had his phone? A million questions flew through his head._

_“Yes, this is Aaron Hotchner. Can I ask what your name is?” Establish a connection. The boy was clearly terrified and sounded like he had just been crying. Soothe him then ask your questions or else you won’t get anything out of him._

_“M-my name’s Eli. Mr. Reid told me to call you.” The boy’s voice was wobbly and Hotch could tell Eli was moments away from a meltdown. Jack’s voice had done the same thing when he was younger._

_“Thank you for telling me that, Eli. Can you tell me what happened to Mr. Reid?” Hotch spoke gently, using the voice and tone usually reserved for Jack._

_“I- He- I don’t know!!” The boy erupted into sobs. “He- he promised he’d find Mommy a-and Daddy and E-Emmy a-and we f-found Emmy but then he-he told u-s to turn a-around, I-I came bu-back but he-he was all red a-and qu-quiet!!” A loud and wet sniff was heard on the other end._

_“Okay Eli,” Hotch tried to soothe the boy, his heart breaking at the sounds of his quiet cries from the phone. “You’re doing really great, you know that? I just need one last thing from you, okay? It’s alright if you don’t know.” A moment of silence. Hotch guessed the boy was probably nodding, but he couldn’t hear that over the phone._

_“O-okay.” It was so quiet Hotch almost missed it._

_“Do you know where Mr. Reid is? Is he with you?”_

_Hotch waited patiently as he heard the boy start talking to someone else. There was a shuffle and an adult voice came over the phone. “Agent Hotchner? It’s Officer Brooks with the Virginia PD. We received a 911 call from this phone at 8:03 pm this evening at Shenandoah National Park. Mr. Reid is currently being transported to the nearest hospital for immediate care.” The officer rattled off the address and Hotch was already out the door and getting into his car._

_“Thank you. I’ll be there at the hospital shortly.”_

***

Morgan spared no pleasantries when he entered the ER and made a beeline for Hotch. Mild surprise filled him when he saw Hotch kneeling in front of a young boy and young girl, speaking to them as the boy burned holes in his shoes that didn’t quite hit the floor from his position in the chair and the girl curled in a ball. Neither of them could have been older than nine or ten years old.

The boy’s eyes were red-rimmed and one hand held a wad of tissues. The other gripped the girl’s hand with what Morgan could see was a white-knuckled grip. Morgan was sure that the girl’s hair was once in a neat ponytail, but at this point, small bits of hair poked out at all places. She had dirt all over her clothes and there were band-aids over her knees and palms of her hands. 

The expression Morgan’s unit chief had on his face was one that Morgan had seen a few times, something Hotch reserved for Jack specifically. He couldn’t hear what was being said over the bustle of the hospital, but the boy was nodding slowly. The girl was crying quietly and didn’t respond.

When Hotch spotted Morgan approaching, he stood up, his face going back to the straight-faced look Morgan was used to seeing every day in the bullpen and conference room. He didn’t know why the change in face comforted him, but that was the last thing on his mind. 

Morgan spared all pleasantries. “How is he? Any news? Any updates? And who has left these children all by themselves in the ER?”

Hotch shook his head. “No updates since they brought him in for surgery.” Glancing at the two children, he continued. “Reid was trying to help Eli find his sister, Emmy. They were in Shenandoah National Park and Reid saw Eli crying on the side of the road. No one knows what exactly happened, but Eli said he could tell us what he knows.”

“You of all people know what reliving these kinds of events does to people, let alone children! This might traumatize them again, Hotch! How could you allow this to happen?” Morgan hissed, not trying to frighten the kids but also furious at his boss’ lack of concern for the children.

“It’s alright.” A soft voice said, instantly catching the attention of the two profilers. The fury in Morgan’s eyes died instantly and his face changed to something akin to sorrow. “I can explain.”

Silently, Morgan and Hotch grabbed two chairs, creating a small circle with the four of them. All eyes were trained on the boy as he breathed in a shaky breath and began to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ik hotch seems really ooc i’m just trying to portray that he’s really shaken by this hopefully it’s okay
> 
> povs & timelines are jumping all over the place if anyone's confused please let me know
> 
> in my mind morgan and hotch have never gotten along as well as they have with other members of the bau (probably because morgan is pretty expressive and hotch is very impassive and they're not really portrayed as being very close in the show), but they have a mutual respect for one another and care a lot for reid that they'll put their differences aside for him.

**Author's Note:**

> if i just... delete the last line... boom reid's dead 
> 
> wait omg haha i just realized that even with the last line the ending can be taken either way
> 
> i’m writing a second chapter about how reid got in his situation in the first place but do y’all want reid alive or dead? (because either works)


End file.
